It's like the whole world falls away...

Remembering you today...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 12:56:18 GMT

One year ago today we lost you. I don't know if the world stopped moving, but it should have. And it sure as hell felt like it did. Wherever you are, I hope you're rocking the fuck out.

Rest in peace. Love.

i could be brand new

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 03:43:44 GMT

i know, i know..i never post anymore. that's because myspace stole me.

anywho, was just reading my friends page and read cristina's post about reading last year's posts, so it made me wanna flip back and see what i was saying around this time last year...

i don't know who that person was. it's like reading someone else's journal. was i really that happy?? i guess i was..but now i wonder how the hell i thought that would last. or why i would have wanted it to. i guess i just wanted something to last..anything. seriously though...ew.

i'm just glad i came to my senses. and glad i haven't gone retarded since R has started calling again. Not sure what he thinks there is to gain. i'm not the same person i was back then.

too weird...i just got this freaky sense of deja vu..but it was the sense that i have posted an entry about having deja vu while posting an entry and posting about it. whoa.

goodbye.

i see a world...

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 14:45:07 GMT

my words have completely escaped me. but it seems yours have too. that, or you have nothing to say to me. if you were standing in front of me at this moment, one of us would probably say something really stupid just to fill the silence. my guess is it would be you. i'm used to the silence. i see your words everywhere, but never for me.

some days i want to scream so loud my lungs would burst and i would collapse straight through the earth. i want you to hear it. i want you to scream back. i want to know that you felt the earth stop moving. i want to pound my fists through every wall around me. i want to tear my skin off, one shredded piece at a time.

i want to. but i won't. i will smile and i will pretend i haven't died 1000 times.

SKORPION!!!!!

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 12:39:05 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKORPION!!!!!!

hope you have a fantabulous day!! wish we could be there to celebrate with you!!! we miss you lots and lots!!! LOVE YOU!!!

Running from...what?

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 15:08:41 GMT

Go ahead...flip it.

Your favorite color was blue. I picked those flowers we saw in June for you.

If you've never heard that silence...

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 08:07:02 GMT

dear diary,

we haven't spoken much lately; i'm not sure why. but here i am, at 3:03 a.m. talking to you. i guess because you're the only one either home or awake. or at least the only one willing to listen. i have to be up for work in less than 4 hours but i find myself unable to sleep. not wanting to sleep. wanting to sit on the beach and feel every single moment of beautiful loneliness the ocean has to give me. i dont know why i don't just get in my car and go. maybe because im afraid i will keep driving and never come back. all i needed tonight was a friend.

i remember sitting in the hallway of my dorm freshman year on the phone at 3 a.m. wearing these very cow pajamas. i thought they were just as funny then as i do now. i think i'll laugh myself to sleep. moo.

hope you are doing well, diary.

yours truly,
Re-run

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 12:17:41 GMT

awesome hearing back from you. :)

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:19:56 GMT

My heart has broken...Charles (one of my favorite students) is moving to Japan. I haven't seen him at all since his mother passed away, and now I will only see him one more time, if that. :(

Other than that, life is just terrific.

quick update

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 12:19:04 GMT

i have internet back!!!!! quick update before i haul my ass back to work..

1. hurricane shutter boy that asked me out- total fucking weirdo. thank god i never made it to the actual date. ew!!!

2. been out of work for a week and a half because of the hurricane..courtney moved in for the week. we had a blast...nothing like partying triplet style when there's a damn curfew for the whole county

3. i miss my students so much it's retarded, but i need another day (tomorrow) off, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

4. ANGEL IS COMING TODAY!!!!!!! which is why i need tomorrow off because if he comes all the way down here tonight and then i have to work tomorrow i am going to be PISSED off!!!

5. i miss gonemad. they were a great damn band.

6. you're getting harder to remember. no, i didn't get your stupid letter. so this is getting weird, i better go.

When you left for Santa Monica...

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:16:23 GMT

The last couple nights have been just what i've needed to smile, at least for a little bit. Friday night we had a work party to celebrate mr. hanley staying with us for good. Was so great to just hang out and laugh all night with good friends. I'm so lucky to work with people I love so much...they are all so great. Well, the ones that we hang out with anyway. hahaha!

Last night we had game night with the girls, and it was so much fun!!! Always good times with you girls! Thanks!!! :) :)

Hurricanes suck, but when your landlord brings over a hottie to help put the shutters up and the hottie asks you out on a date, you see a bit of a silver lining. hahahaha. We are talking hot with a capital YUM. hehe.

Ok, time to head over to the parents' for the storm party! Everyone stay safe!

broken hearts won't mend with glue

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 04:20:45 GMT

lately i find myself staring out windows. it doesn't matter where i am. in the car, at work, at the bar. i'm completely out of touch with what's going on right next to me, and all i can do is look out the damn window. thinking there must be something out there that's worth it. but what if there's not? then what the hell are we even doing here?

"all i wanted, baby, was a kiss from you. cause she said when i touched her, she felt like she was home again. guess i loved you so much i never thought that touch could end..."

hating life...hating death more

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 03:23:20 GMT

i would just like to take this opportunity to let you know that LIFE SUCKS and i hate the universe.
why is that, you ask? this kid is by far one of the sweetest, most genuinely good-hearted people i have ever met in my whole entire life. he doesn't have a mean bone in his body. you'd think life might throw a good thing or 2 his way, wouldn't you? well apparently not. his mom passed away last night.
it sucks bad enough when my kids get into trouble and i can't save them. but
this..i just can't handle. he's going through pain i can't even begin to
imagine, and i can't do a damn thing to change it. seriously, what do you say to a 17 year old boy who just lost his mom???

if i could change every single wish i have ever made on all my birthday candles, and all the stars i've stared at, and every green m&m i've ever eaten, and every time i've looked at the clock at 11:11, i would wish for charles to keep his mom.

people wonder why i don't believe in god. gee, maybe it's because any god worth believing in would never do such a horrible thing to a beautiful spirit like his.

i am so over this death thing. it's retarded. next election, i'm voting for
whoever promises to keep death from happening.

too many times i have wondered

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 03:35:29 GMT

all i want is for someone to look at me and see a reason to stay
instead of seeing all the reasons not to
are there really that many??

"i'm missing you
or maybe i'm just missing who
i was when i was with you..."

i wish i didn't miss that me
if i had never known that one, it would be so much easier to be lonely
i'd have an oblivious empty space
instead of an empty space that knows what it's missing

i wish i could feel the ocean on my feet right now
the loneliness of all that water melting through my skin

"knowing deep inside, you can't provide
what i need from you anyway
but do you know it doesn't change
the way i feel about you at the end of the day

i tell you that i wanna go, but i wanna stay
i wanna stay, i wanna stay, i wanna stay
but i know i'm gonna lose myself this way"

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 11:38:36 GMT

Music is worthless unless it can make a
Complete stranger break down and cry
~Frou Frou

is this my day to die?

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 04:48:28 GMT

good god, i had almost forgotten how incredibly amazing Presence is. well not really, but 1 year and 8 months is waaaaaay too long to go without seeing my very favorite boys.

*sigh*...J is just by far the cutest darn thing ever. i could just eat him right up! can't wait for them to come back. party at 103!!! hehe. :)

sweet dreams to me.

>:(

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 06:09:08 GMT

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't stand how damn cute he is!!!!! seriously, it actually annoys me how good looking he is. i want to BITE HIM!!!

more importantly, i'd like to know what he thinks of me. someone make him like me, please. :/

PRESENCE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :)

ps- thanks to everyone who made my birthday so amazing. i had the best time ever!!!! love to you all! :)

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 10:31:57 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST TWIN EVER!!!!!!!!!

My Birthday!!!

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:22:53 GMT

This is for anyone in the area:

THE TWINS' BIRTHDAY:
- tomorrow night at Jumby Bay in Abacoa...great drinks, great people, great music. We'll be there prob between 8:30 and 9 till i'm guessing when they kick us out. Oh quit your whining...I have to work the next morning too and I'M the birthday girl!!! :P Hope to see everyone out!!!

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 12:13:34 GMT

interesting last couple of days...

monday night was so much fun...went to Saito's (or something like that) with the work crew and had a BLAST!!! after dinner we all decided the party needed to continue with some more liquor so we moved to the bar outside and kept the drinks flowing. Court and I ran into Alex and he said he'd give us a call later when he and boys were done practicing. So we called chrissy and told her to meet us at jumby in the meantime. We were there for al of like 20 min before he called, and then we packed back up and headed over to ron's new place..kicked it in the clubhouse for a while. court and chrissy left but i stuck around to hang with ron, alex and dell. oh my lord did we have fun...hung out there for a while longer drinking and playing on myspace (hence the somewhat obnoxious bulletin ron posted on my behalf, in case anyone read that. hahahaha). moved the party to his condo, then went swimming, then back for some more hanging out. i had so much fun...definitely love those guys. and YAY!!! more people to celebrate my birthday tomorrow!!! :) :) :)

yesterday i saw him. and the world didn't end. but i think i might have accidentally stabbed a hole in the universe. oops.

>:(

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 02:42:13 GMT

right...like i am really going to be able to sleep wondering who that private number was that called. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(

You know where to find me...

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 20:57:59 GMT

is it just the dust of leaving you settling?

why can't the dust just settle? why is it that every night when i go to bed, i turn my photo wheel so your picture that i haven't had the heart to change is in the back where i can't see it...yet every morning i wake up to see it staring at me from the front? why does everyone i know keep running into you?
why did you have to ask her about "the girls" and couldn't even say my name? like i was just an old friend you hadn't seen in a while.

why can't my heart know the same thing my head keeps telling me? i know every last reason why i'm better off without you. i have the list memorized. so why isn't that enough to keep me from dying when i hear your name? why can't that stop me from missing you so much sometimes that i can't breathe? why couldn't i be enough to save you?

why do i feel like if i never see you again, my world will end? but if i do see you again, i know it will end.

Was there a moment when I felt no pain? I want to feel it in my life again.

some days i'm so lonely, i think my heart has left me for good and i'll never feel it beat again. and then some days i barely think of you at all, and i know there's someone else out there that would love me the way you did, only better. but then i remember he's gone too...he left long before you even arrived.

You know, I could have held you in my arms forever...and it still wouldn't have been long enough.

forever was never supposed to end.

somebody call an ambulance

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:37:18 GMT

thank god this week is finally over...

i love my students more than anything, despite the stress they put me through some days. but at the end of the day, they're still the ones that keep my heart beating.

i despise the fact that are some people out there like that cunt woman of a cop we had at school today that are just so full of hate that they can't even see how goddamned ignorant they are. people that, if they took the time to remove their inflated heads from their undersized colons, might actually see people and not just targets...they might ACTUALLY realize that not every child that has been raised in a less than fortunate area will amount to nothing. it truly sickens me to hear how absolutely ignorant people can be. and then they wonder why my kids can't stand them. until i started working there, i didn't understand why so many kids like that have such an attitude towards cops. now that i've seen the way "west palm's finest" treats my babies, i can't say i blame them. that bitch had the nerve to sit there and call them "monster sons of bitches" to me, and tell me they'd "kill me in a second." sorry lady, but you got that backwards. they'd kill you in a second. can't say it would be that big of a loss. the only reason i don't hope that johnny comes straight for you when he gets out is because i dont want honeycomb to lose his brother again.

now before any of y'all get all hot and twisted, i am not saying all cops are bad. i know there are more good ones than bad ones...it just so happens, all the ones that work at my school are bad.

you wish life would go away

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 02:56:13 GMT

this morning sucked. a lot. and by a lot, i mean more than any morning has ever sucked.

i needed to scream. i think i still do. i'm just so goddamned tired. i hate stress and frustration. even more than i hate mosquitoes.

and as horrible as this morning was, i was touched beyond words at their reaction.

who are you?

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 08:28:54 GMT

my arm can't reach around that far.

4 am and i wake up to that. feels great. the view must be nice from the top. i wouldn't know. don't rememeber ever being there. you can check the footprints...i doubt you'll find mine.

i want to go away. to the other side of the earth. might as well...it's not like you'd notice. maybe i'd find footprints that fit well enough to pretend, at least for a while.

i don't know why i'm still here. i don't belong anymore. i don't fit in this skin.

i dont cry on the outside anymore

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 02:46:36 GMT

not sure what to say. i'm glad he's alive? part of me wishes i'd been there. that i was the one to see him. maybe so i could see how unscarred he is so i could hate him. or maybe see that he does have scars...that we did exist...that i had an effect. maybe so i could get the last breakdown out of my system. because these days it feels like my skin is just waiting to slide off and i just want to get it over with.